


Choices

by Pastelbees



Series: Literally giving everyone my disabilities [8]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anxiety, Doesn't actually feature the stuff happening only Sam slowly recovering from it, Dogs, Friendship, Post 12x02, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Recovery, Season/Series 12, Season/Series 12 Spoilers, Sexual assault recovery, self hatred, torture ment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-21
Updated: 2016-10-21
Packaged: 2018-08-23 17:52:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8337190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pastelbees/pseuds/Pastelbees
Summary: He'd grown since Hell, he had learned, healed, gone to a few therapy sessions when he had the chance, talked with Dean when they were on the road. But this? What happened is a reset to it all.(Set after 12x02)





	

Sam wakes up in the chair, his body numb with pain, the metallic taste of blood on his tongue. The woman in front of him- on the bed with him just a moment ago- grins sadistically, as though she were Lucifer incarnate. For a brief moment, the Winchester considers the notion that she just might be.  
No. Lucifer had never tricked Sam into doing what she had, had never drugged him until he thought he wanted that. At least even the devil was upfront in his evil, though the memory of his experience in Hell is the last thing Sam wants to bring up after -  
After.  
There are bugs beneath his skin.  
There is something- something he could not free himself of though he had once before gone through something so similar.  
He'd grown since Hell, he had learned, healed, gone to a few therapy sessions when he had the chance, talked with Dean when they were on the road. But this? What happened is a reset to it all.  
Now he's back at square one, feeling violated, disgusting though he knows he had no choice in what she just did to him.  
The woman in the room smiles at him, going on about the spell, asking if it was good for him, completely unaware to what she has done.  
-  
Sam doesn't tell Ma- his mom, not at first. He doesn't know her enough to feel comfortable doing so. He's had too many bad experiences taking about what happened to him to go around telling everyone.  
But Dean is there, and when Sam opens up about what she did to him, he knows there is no need to be as afraid of talking about it as he is.  
When Sam tells Dean, there isn't denial. There isn't, "Well she's a woman and you're a man so really she didn't..." bullshit people always seem to want to say. There's just acceptance, validation, and vows.  
Vows that Sam will never have to be touched by her again. Vows that Sam can do whatever he needs to feel whole again. Vows that Sam won't even have to see her terrible face again unless she's rotting on the ground.  
"I swear to God Sammy, I will fucking find her. Don't you worry."  
-  
He starts to shower constantly. Once every other day becomes once a day becomes twice, three times. He scrubs away at scarred flesh as though that will take away the pain she caused him, will erase from his memory the way she felt around him.  
He stops looking in the mirror, knowing he'll see lines across his face from where she hit him.  
He wears socks no matter where he is, covering burns that whisper of past torture.  
He doesn't sit in chairs for long, always standing like even doing such a simple thing as lowering himself onto cold metal seats will bring him back to that place physically instead of just mentally.  
He doesn't sleep. He doesn't eat. He pours his heart and soul into hunting, withdraws from everything that once mattered so much.  
He loses himself, because she took all of that away.  
-  
"Sam?" Mary whispers one day, knocking on his locked door almost as quiet as she speaks. He can hear the concern in her voice, feel his anxiety spike as she knocks once more. "Can we talk, sweetie?"  
He doesn't know what to do, how to respond. He's been so numb for so long to any thing and everything, the only emotions he ever feels an awful mix fear and worry and hate-  
Towards himself, for ever letting that happen to him. Towards her, for doing that to him. Towards the world, for letting bad things continue to happen to him.  
\- he truly doesn't know how to react. So he doesn't. After a while, one distraught Mary Winchester leaves the room her son hides within, crying as she remembers once again that she wasn't able to save him.  
-  
Castiel is the one who takes him out to eat, to a quiet place Sam didn't even know existed until he's being walked inside by one wacky angel in a trenchcoat. Said angel is speaking softly as he points to the food in the restaurant, showing Sam option after option.  
Cas is the one who takes him to the amusement park, showing him a list of a dozen rides that might interest him. The angel gives the man free reign over whatever they do, any activity at all.  
The go get haircuts, Cas shows him a dozen books with the statement, "As your brother once told me at David's Bridal, go wild."  
His monotone voice during that statement in addition to his finger quotes makes Sam laugh for the first time in weeks, causes an odd warmth he missed so much to return to his stomach again. Samuel, in all of his glory, opts for a shorter new do. Cas smiles at the way the man shakes his head.  
After a few weeks, one argument Sam doesnt have the pleasure of hearing between a hunter and his angel boyfriend in the bunker, as well as several secret trips to a woman who always wears fur covered cardigans, Castiel once more gives Sam a choice - one he had never expected to receive while sharing a home with Dean Winchester.  
"Your brother and I have talked about it," the angel begins, sitting in front of Sam- who has his body stretched out on the couch in the living room- as he speaks, "and we are comfortable with you acquiring a dog. As long as you consider purchasing it from the breeder who has her information on the FaceBook I sent you an instant message about. That is not a requirement, merely a suggestion."  
Sam, at first, waits for Dean to pop in with a loud, obnoxious "Psych!", but his brother doesn't show. Then, he watches Castiel carefully, trying to quell his excitement as he says, "Are you serious right now?"  
It doesn't work because he's smiling like he hasn't in months and his body fills with an electric giddyness as Castiel responds.  
Before he can finish his statement ( "I am always serious".) Sam jumps off of the couch and runs to find his mother to tell her the good news, smiling and bouncing like a kid during Christmas, happy for this new choice. Happy.


End file.
